The Groundwork

So what makes me different. There are plenty of blogs and websites on single parenthood on the web. Hey, I have read many of them, and have always walked away feeling that the information is great, but am I the only one that feels this way. Now having said that, I know there are many different single parent types out there:


1) The Make-up the difference parent - These are parents that feel the need to "Make up the difference" of a lost parent. Their issue is within, and feel that by becoming both, their kid has a better chance. These parents read a lot of books on parenthood, and raising a child. Their biggest fear is making sure the child is well rounded. There is no reality in the fact that one person cannot do everything.


2) The I Can Do Everything parent - I find that these are professional people that feel that they can keep their high profile jobs, and keep a child happy. These people tend to hire many nannies, and sitters to help them raise their small children. Many of these parents do not realize that financial success, will not make your children happy forever, it will make them brats that feel they required nor responsibility for their actions.


3) The Why Me Parent - These are the parents that are out there wondering how they got themselves into this situation. (I hate to tell you, it usually starts with the birds and the bees). They keep looking to the past, and wondering what could have been done differently, and if their child would do better with 2 parents.

4) The No Sacrifice Parent - These are the young minded parents that have decided that they should be absolutely no change in their conduct, life, or activities after having a child. They tend to also find sitters for their child, and put their own needs before their son or daughters. There is no stability for this parent and in turn the child's.

In essence, all single parents, including myself, have contemplated what type of parent they want to be. Some of us may have fallen into these roles, and later found that it doesn't work for us. Some of us never change. Reality is, when we chose to have these kids, we chose to change our lives and outlooks, even if we don't want to. I think for the most part, all single parents are all these types. Some of us can balance, while others are stuck in one specific type. Successful parenting requires versatility and tolerance. These kids didn't come with a book, and so parenting skills evolve, and anything that evolves, is always changing.

Here is the last type:

A Stable Single Parent - A person, who loves their child unconditionally, and will adjust their life and wants for the best interest of their children. These parents are excellent at a work-life balance, and create stability and happiness in their home. They have accepted the responsibility of raising a child on their own, and do it with happiness and love in their heart. They are comfortable in their own shoes, and in turn their children are secure in themselves for it.

This is what I strive for, and hope that others will to. Now don't think for a moment that this is easy. It takes work, but no more work than for 2 parent households. I know plenty of two parent households that have not quite reached the nirvana of stability, security, and self love. Then add the stresses of being alone, and you have a recipe for constant chaos.

The art of single parenthood comes from the ability to thrive in the chaos. I have read that the trick to parenthood is being organized. I have seen "mom" calendars, and organizers, and websites helping you to "organize your home and life" There is this movement of if you feng shui your life, everything else is easy, kids, work, etc. I can't feng shui my morning routing with my son, no less my life. And I can't believe for a moment, I am the only single parent out there that feels like this.

Now here is the flip side of single parenthood, the non-custodial parent. This one person who never quite realized the power that we single parents let them have in our lives. And yes, we have let them have power. Deny it all you want, but truly, when you really think about it, the power comes from the ability to make us proud of the other parent, or blaming them for not being there when their child needs them. Now in true honesty, even parents that are generally good non-custodial parents will still be blamed when an expectation is not met. It comes from us having this buried guilt in the fact that we are dealing with the daily havoc, and they just have to deal with it less frequently.

So the following is the view I have of the different types of Non-custodial parents:

1) The absent parent - This is the parent that has created the child and then disappears. Anonymous sperm banks can create better parents than this person. The relationship that created this child has absolutely no bearing on their ability to be a father/mother. They make a choice to not be one. These types of parents seem to continuously blame everyone else for their absenteeism from their children. They take no responsibility for their actions at all, and this attitude boils over into all aspects of their life.

2) The Only on Holidays parent - These are parents that at some point miraculously remember that they took part in creating another life during holiday seasons, or special celebrations. This becomes almost like a yearly ritual of "turning over a new leaf". They attempt to make contact, and then pull away again like a finger touching a hot stove. And time goes by as usual, and the single parent will wait until the UFO's send this person back to earth for another round of sending our children on a rollercoaster ride.

3) The weekend parent - This parent usually starts every sentence with "On my weekend....". They seem to be busy during the week, or at any other time that is outside of their normal visitation schedule. Luckily, for the sake of the children, these kids usually are adjusting to the situation and many cases its ok.

4) The Active Non Custodial ( NC) Parent - They do exist, and I tend to believe, that if you are reading this blog, you aren't doing so because you have this kind of relationship with your ex. Your NC Parent most likely falls into one of the above categories. This is the parent that works well with you, and genuinely feels that regardless of the relationship you have with that parent, the children come first. They are out there!