Every morning, I go through the daily grind of trying to get off to work and get my son to cooperate and get ready for school. It never works. I find myself yelling most of the morning, going to work upset, and late to work on top of it. I MAY HAVE FOUND A SOLUTION, and I have to share. Chore charts always help, but I found this site, where your child can earn points and earn rewards. It is based on the premise of those WebKinz. My son can build a room, decorate it, dress it up, and I can program into it exactly what his chores are. He has his own log in, and checks off what he has completed. He does not earn anything until I log in and approve what he has completed. It's fun, and I have to say, it seems to be encouraging.
I find that my son thrives of routine, schedules, and consistency. These routines help tremedously when he is not on his medications (weekends, holidays, etc). So any little routine, or encouragement helps. Chore charts are a wonderful tool to help them do that. Verbal cues seem to get me nothing but aggravated, because he does not follow them. Visual cues seem to work, as long as my son can see his progress. We now have a picture chore chart inside the bathroom mirror for his morning bathroom routines, and he has bedtime routines on the fridge. I know it sounds silly to do this, but when your child was easily distracted, any routine can be thrown off track quickly, and once they get thrown off track, it is easy for them to forget what they were doing, or what is left to be done. The best part of the whole thing, was watching how excited he was when he realized he finished everything, and had plently of time, to do the things HE wanted to do.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Thursday, October 15, 2009
IRS and Child Support
Recession, Recession, Recession. Bail out, Bail out, Bail Out. So here is my thought for a "Bail Out" that would help the economy, single parents, children, etc! Every year, I battle with the fact that the NC can owe extreme amounts of child support, and still, has not once, gone to jail for it. Warrants were issued, but many states will not send out an officer to execute the warrant because of staffing cut backs. Of course, this takes a back seat to the many crimes being committed in this country.
In addition, there is no requirement, for someone who does not owe the IRS money, to be required to file their tax forms. Now this is where there is room for legislation. The current statistics in this country for outstanding child support are as follows:
• As of September 2006, 105 billion in arrears has accumulated nationwide since the child support program began in 1975. (Source: Administration for Children & Families Report, The Story Behind the Numbers - Understanding and Managing Child Support Debt, May 2008.)
• Most debtors owe small amounts of debt, but the bulk of child support debt is held by people who owe large amounts. About 65 percent of the national child support debt is held by the 20 percent of debtors who owe more than $20,000. (Source: Administration for Children & Families Report, The Story Behind the Numbers - Understanding and Managing Child Support Debt, May 2008.)
• In fiscal year 2007, the federal Child Support Enforcement Program had a caseload of 5.8 million. The program collected nearly $25 billion. (Source: Child Support Enforcement Program Fact Sheet 2008.)
• The U.S. 4th Circuit Court of Appeals ruled in 1994 that because the collection of child support results from a court order and not a consumer transaction, it does not fall under the Fair Debt Collection Practices Act. (Source: Mabe v. GC Services, 32 F. 3d. 86.)
• Only 46 percent of custodial parents receive the full amount of child support they are due. (Source: Census Bureau, "Custodial Mothers and Fathers and their Child Support: 2005," released August 2007.)
Considering the above statistics, it is easy to see that we are not even making a dent in the collection of outstanding child support.
I am almost appalled by the fact that we are discussing so many issues in regard to the economy and how it is affecting many families, and one easy solution is to make sure that those of us that are owed outstanding child support. Every person who is owed child support in this country is entitled to have the IRS garnish any tax refund that is owed to a custodial parent. This money can only be garnished, if an individual files a return. Year after year, many Non-Custodial (NC) parent do not take the time out to file their tax returns because they are well aware that the IRS is taking the money from them to pay off child support debts. The government will only impose a penalty for not filing, if taxed are owed to the IRS. In other words, if you don’t owe the government, you don’t have to file. If the government owes you, it’s your loss. Having said that, the government is providing millions in bail out money, but is some of that money coming from money that could have been used to pay a single parent their outstanding child support?
For instance, my NC did not file taxes for almost 5 years, and each of those years, the refund would have been sent to me. When he finally filed, the IRS did not require him to send in forms for past years, and as far as I know, there was no penalty issued to him. Hypothetically, if he was due $500 for those 5 years, I would have been paid $2500 for those 5 years. Multiply by that by let’s say, 1 Million cases, and that would be $25 Million dollars recovered in a 5 year time frame, through IRS Garnishment alone. Now, I realize that $500 does not seem like much, but that is enough to cover a part of braces, diapers, or extracurricular activities. That is HUGE !
Why should a non-custodial parent file, they are not going to see the money, and in addition, they may not realize that there are free tax services that will help them file a return. There is no incentive, nor punishment for the non-custodial parent. Now, I realize that many people are going to point out that there are paying non-custodial parents that have problems with the current child support system. I truly feel for those individuals, and cannot comment on their situation because I am not experiencing it.
Many of us are so disgusted with the child support system, that we are not even trying to go after what is due to us, such as medical expenses, and extracurricular activities, because we feel that if the basic child support allotment is not met, what is the point of filing for other expenses.
I truly wish that the Congress would review the current laws governing IRS tax offsets, and impose a penalty for non-filers!
In addition, there is no requirement, for someone who does not owe the IRS money, to be required to file their tax forms. Now this is where there is room for legislation. The current statistics in this country for outstanding child support are as follows:
• As of September 2006, 105 billion in arrears has accumulated nationwide since the child support program began in 1975. (Source: Administration for Children & Families Report, The Story Behind the Numbers - Understanding and Managing Child Support Debt, May 2008.)
• Most debtors owe small amounts of debt, but the bulk of child support debt is held by people who owe large amounts. About 65 percent of the national child support debt is held by the 20 percent of debtors who owe more than $20,000. (Source: Administration for Children & Families Report, The Story Behind the Numbers - Understanding and Managing Child Support Debt, May 2008.)
• In fiscal year 2007, the federal Child Support Enforcement Program had a caseload of 5.8 million. The program collected nearly $25 billion. (Source: Child Support Enforcement Program Fact Sheet 2008.)
• The U.S. 4th Circuit Court of Appeals ruled in 1994 that because the collection of child support results from a court order and not a consumer transaction, it does not fall under the Fair Debt Collection Practices Act. (Source: Mabe v. GC Services, 32 F. 3d. 86.)
• Only 46 percent of custodial parents receive the full amount of child support they are due. (Source: Census Bureau, "Custodial Mothers and Fathers and their Child Support: 2005," released August 2007.)
Considering the above statistics, it is easy to see that we are not even making a dent in the collection of outstanding child support.
I am almost appalled by the fact that we are discussing so many issues in regard to the economy and how it is affecting many families, and one easy solution is to make sure that those of us that are owed outstanding child support. Every person who is owed child support in this country is entitled to have the IRS garnish any tax refund that is owed to a custodial parent. This money can only be garnished, if an individual files a return. Year after year, many Non-Custodial (NC) parent do not take the time out to file their tax returns because they are well aware that the IRS is taking the money from them to pay off child support debts. The government will only impose a penalty for not filing, if taxed are owed to the IRS. In other words, if you don’t owe the government, you don’t have to file. If the government owes you, it’s your loss. Having said that, the government is providing millions in bail out money, but is some of that money coming from money that could have been used to pay a single parent their outstanding child support?
For instance, my NC did not file taxes for almost 5 years, and each of those years, the refund would have been sent to me. When he finally filed, the IRS did not require him to send in forms for past years, and as far as I know, there was no penalty issued to him. Hypothetically, if he was due $500 for those 5 years, I would have been paid $2500 for those 5 years. Multiply by that by let’s say, 1 Million cases, and that would be $25 Million dollars recovered in a 5 year time frame, through IRS Garnishment alone. Now, I realize that $500 does not seem like much, but that is enough to cover a part of braces, diapers, or extracurricular activities. That is HUGE !
Why should a non-custodial parent file, they are not going to see the money, and in addition, they may not realize that there are free tax services that will help them file a return. There is no incentive, nor punishment for the non-custodial parent. Now, I realize that many people are going to point out that there are paying non-custodial parents that have problems with the current child support system. I truly feel for those individuals, and cannot comment on their situation because I am not experiencing it.
Many of us are so disgusted with the child support system, that we are not even trying to go after what is due to us, such as medical expenses, and extracurricular activities, because we feel that if the basic child support allotment is not met, what is the point of filing for other expenses.
I truly wish that the Congress would review the current laws governing IRS tax offsets, and impose a penalty for non-filers!
Friday, October 2, 2009
So where do I fit in to this??
Well, I have worked my way through all the different types of mom, and somehow feel that I have found a balance that works for me.
First a bit of history:
I was thrown into single parenthood at age 28. I had the dreams that everyone has of a perfect family, and for many different reasons, that did not happen. I did realize after sometime, that my son had saved me from the worst possible enemy anyone could have, myself. You see, as everyone else in the world, I was looking for someone to love, and did not find it until my son was born. I came to realize shortly after his birth, that I could never love anyone, the way I love him, so it was ok to be alone and raise him to be the best man he can be.
That is the beauty of the mind, you can have all these great thoughts and dreams, and then you get slammed in the face with reality, where is the plan to accomplish all these thoughts. Shortly, after my ex and I split up, I had the typical new single parent anxiety. I thought about the following question all day:
How am I going to do this alone? Will anyone be able to help me? How can I afford to do this?
Now, I am a very liberal woman, but I still could not help wondering what others would think of me. I still wonder sometimes. That is society's fault. People assume many different things about single parents, even today. You see any one person can become a single parent in a flash, and even if you are married, you can easily one day be finding yourself raising your children alone. The word single does not identify your marital status, it identifies the fact that you are on your own. Somehow, people forgot that "single" has other meanings beyond "never married".
So all these questions and concerns go rolling through my head, and now, I am expected to have all the answers and a plan in place. At that point, I was having a breakdown, caused by the breakdown of my relationship. You see, when there are no kids involved, the relationship is what you have to get over. Nothing that a club, drink, and friends can't fix. But when a child is involved, a whole new world of concerns and catastrophes come up. And you never are able to heal, because you have to care for a child, and try not to let them see your pain. Now for some of us, that was therapy enough, for me it was fear. I felt that when I left, I was failing my child, and that I would never have the opportunity to give him the family he wanted. The problem was, the lines between doing for yourself, and doing for your child can easily be either blurred or totally neon. For me, they became blurred.
First a bit of history:
I was thrown into single parenthood at age 28. I had the dreams that everyone has of a perfect family, and for many different reasons, that did not happen. I did realize after sometime, that my son had saved me from the worst possible enemy anyone could have, myself. You see, as everyone else in the world, I was looking for someone to love, and did not find it until my son was born. I came to realize shortly after his birth, that I could never love anyone, the way I love him, so it was ok to be alone and raise him to be the best man he can be.
That is the beauty of the mind, you can have all these great thoughts and dreams, and then you get slammed in the face with reality, where is the plan to accomplish all these thoughts. Shortly, after my ex and I split up, I had the typical new single parent anxiety. I thought about the following question all day:
How am I going to do this alone? Will anyone be able to help me? How can I afford to do this?
Now, I am a very liberal woman, but I still could not help wondering what others would think of me. I still wonder sometimes. That is society's fault. People assume many different things about single parents, even today. You see any one person can become a single parent in a flash, and even if you are married, you can easily one day be finding yourself raising your children alone. The word single does not identify your marital status, it identifies the fact that you are on your own. Somehow, people forgot that "single" has other meanings beyond "never married".
So all these questions and concerns go rolling through my head, and now, I am expected to have all the answers and a plan in place. At that point, I was having a breakdown, caused by the breakdown of my relationship. You see, when there are no kids involved, the relationship is what you have to get over. Nothing that a club, drink, and friends can't fix. But when a child is involved, a whole new world of concerns and catastrophes come up. And you never are able to heal, because you have to care for a child, and try not to let them see your pain. Now for some of us, that was therapy enough, for me it was fear. I felt that when I left, I was failing my child, and that I would never have the opportunity to give him the family he wanted. The problem was, the lines between doing for yourself, and doing for your child can easily be either blurred or totally neon. For me, they became blurred.
The Groundwork
So what makes me different. There are plenty of blogs and websites on single parenthood on the web. Hey, I have read many of them, and have always walked away feeling that the information is great, but am I the only one that feels this way. Now having said that, I know there are many different single parent types out there:
1) The Make-up the difference parent - These are parents that feel the need to "Make up the difference" of a lost parent. Their issue is within, and feel that by becoming both, their kid has a better chance. These parents read a lot of books on parenthood, and raising a child. Their biggest fear is making sure the child is well rounded. There is no reality in the fact that one person cannot do everything.
2) The I Can Do Everything parent - I find that these are professional people that feel that they can keep their high profile jobs, and keep a child happy. These people tend to hire many nannies, and sitters to help them raise their small children. Many of these parents do not realize that financial success, will not make your children happy forever, it will make them brats that feel they required nor responsibility for their actions.
3) The Why Me Parent - These are the parents that are out there wondering how they got themselves into this situation. (I hate to tell you, it usually starts with the birds and the bees). They keep looking to the past, and wondering what could have been done differently, and if their child would do better with 2 parents.
4) The No Sacrifice Parent - These are the young minded parents that have decided that they should be absolutely no change in their conduct, life, or activities after having a child. They tend to also find sitters for their child, and put their own needs before their son or daughters. There is no stability for this parent and in turn the child's.
In essence, all single parents, including myself, have contemplated what type of parent they want to be. Some of us may have fallen into these roles, and later found that it doesn't work for us. Some of us never change. Reality is, when we chose to have these kids, we chose to change our lives and outlooks, even if we don't want to. I think for the most part, all single parents are all these types. Some of us can balance, while others are stuck in one specific type. Successful parenting requires versatility and tolerance. These kids didn't come with a book, and so parenting skills evolve, and anything that evolves, is always changing.
Here is the last type:
A Stable Single Parent - A person, who loves their child unconditionally, and will adjust their life and wants for the best interest of their children. These parents are excellent at a work-life balance, and create stability and happiness in their home. They have accepted the responsibility of raising a child on their own, and do it with happiness and love in their heart. They are comfortable in their own shoes, and in turn their children are secure in themselves for it.
This is what I strive for, and hope that others will to. Now don't think for a moment that this is easy. It takes work, but no more work than for 2 parent households. I know plenty of two parent households that have not quite reached the nirvana of stability, security, and self love. Then add the stresses of being alone, and you have a recipe for constant chaos.
The art of single parenthood comes from the ability to thrive in the chaos. I have read that the trick to parenthood is being organized. I have seen "mom" calendars, and organizers, and websites helping you to "organize your home and life" There is this movement of if you feng shui your life, everything else is easy, kids, work, etc. I can't feng shui my morning routing with my son, no less my life. And I can't believe for a moment, I am the only single parent out there that feels like this.
Now here is the flip side of single parenthood, the non-custodial parent. This one person who never quite realized the power that we single parents let them have in our lives. And yes, we have let them have power. Deny it all you want, but truly, when you really think about it, the power comes from the ability to make us proud of the other parent, or blaming them for not being there when their child needs them. Now in true honesty, even parents that are generally good non-custodial parents will still be blamed when an expectation is not met. It comes from us having this buried guilt in the fact that we are dealing with the daily havoc, and they just have to deal with it less frequently.
So the following is the view I have of the different types of Non-custodial parents:
1) The absent parent - This is the parent that has created the child and then disappears. Anonymous sperm banks can create better parents than this person. The relationship that created this child has absolutely no bearing on their ability to be a father/mother. They make a choice to not be one. These types of parents seem to continuously blame everyone else for their absenteeism from their children. They take no responsibility for their actions at all, and this attitude boils over into all aspects of their life.
2) The Only on Holidays parent - These are parents that at some point miraculously remember that they took part in creating another life during holiday seasons, or special celebrations. This becomes almost like a yearly ritual of "turning over a new leaf". They attempt to make contact, and then pull away again like a finger touching a hot stove. And time goes by as usual, and the single parent will wait until the UFO's send this person back to earth for another round of sending our children on a rollercoaster ride.
3) The weekend parent - This parent usually starts every sentence with "On my weekend....". They seem to be busy during the week, or at any other time that is outside of their normal visitation schedule. Luckily, for the sake of the children, these kids usually are adjusting to the situation and many cases its ok.
4) The Active Non Custodial ( NC) Parent - They do exist, and I tend to believe, that if you are reading this blog, you aren't doing so because you have this kind of relationship with your ex. Your NC Parent most likely falls into one of the above categories. This is the parent that works well with you, and genuinely feels that regardless of the relationship you have with that parent, the children come first. They are out there!
1) The Make-up the difference parent - These are parents that feel the need to "Make up the difference" of a lost parent. Their issue is within, and feel that by becoming both, their kid has a better chance. These parents read a lot of books on parenthood, and raising a child. Their biggest fear is making sure the child is well rounded. There is no reality in the fact that one person cannot do everything.
2) The I Can Do Everything parent - I find that these are professional people that feel that they can keep their high profile jobs, and keep a child happy. These people tend to hire many nannies, and sitters to help them raise their small children. Many of these parents do not realize that financial success, will not make your children happy forever, it will make them brats that feel they required nor responsibility for their actions.
3) The Why Me Parent - These are the parents that are out there wondering how they got themselves into this situation. (I hate to tell you, it usually starts with the birds and the bees). They keep looking to the past, and wondering what could have been done differently, and if their child would do better with 2 parents.
4) The No Sacrifice Parent - These are the young minded parents that have decided that they should be absolutely no change in their conduct, life, or activities after having a child. They tend to also find sitters for their child, and put their own needs before their son or daughters. There is no stability for this parent and in turn the child's.
In essence, all single parents, including myself, have contemplated what type of parent they want to be. Some of us may have fallen into these roles, and later found that it doesn't work for us. Some of us never change. Reality is, when we chose to have these kids, we chose to change our lives and outlooks, even if we don't want to. I think for the most part, all single parents are all these types. Some of us can balance, while others are stuck in one specific type. Successful parenting requires versatility and tolerance. These kids didn't come with a book, and so parenting skills evolve, and anything that evolves, is always changing.
Here is the last type:
A Stable Single Parent - A person, who loves their child unconditionally, and will adjust their life and wants for the best interest of their children. These parents are excellent at a work-life balance, and create stability and happiness in their home. They have accepted the responsibility of raising a child on their own, and do it with happiness and love in their heart. They are comfortable in their own shoes, and in turn their children are secure in themselves for it.
This is what I strive for, and hope that others will to. Now don't think for a moment that this is easy. It takes work, but no more work than for 2 parent households. I know plenty of two parent households that have not quite reached the nirvana of stability, security, and self love. Then add the stresses of being alone, and you have a recipe for constant chaos.
The art of single parenthood comes from the ability to thrive in the chaos. I have read that the trick to parenthood is being organized. I have seen "mom" calendars, and organizers, and websites helping you to "organize your home and life" There is this movement of if you feng shui your life, everything else is easy, kids, work, etc. I can't feng shui my morning routing with my son, no less my life. And I can't believe for a moment, I am the only single parent out there that feels like this.
Now here is the flip side of single parenthood, the non-custodial parent. This one person who never quite realized the power that we single parents let them have in our lives. And yes, we have let them have power. Deny it all you want, but truly, when you really think about it, the power comes from the ability to make us proud of the other parent, or blaming them for not being there when their child needs them. Now in true honesty, even parents that are generally good non-custodial parents will still be blamed when an expectation is not met. It comes from us having this buried guilt in the fact that we are dealing with the daily havoc, and they just have to deal with it less frequently.
So the following is the view I have of the different types of Non-custodial parents:
1) The absent parent - This is the parent that has created the child and then disappears. Anonymous sperm banks can create better parents than this person. The relationship that created this child has absolutely no bearing on their ability to be a father/mother. They make a choice to not be one. These types of parents seem to continuously blame everyone else for their absenteeism from their children. They take no responsibility for their actions at all, and this attitude boils over into all aspects of their life.
2) The Only on Holidays parent - These are parents that at some point miraculously remember that they took part in creating another life during holiday seasons, or special celebrations. This becomes almost like a yearly ritual of "turning over a new leaf". They attempt to make contact, and then pull away again like a finger touching a hot stove. And time goes by as usual, and the single parent will wait until the UFO's send this person back to earth for another round of sending our children on a rollercoaster ride.
3) The weekend parent - This parent usually starts every sentence with "On my weekend....". They seem to be busy during the week, or at any other time that is outside of their normal visitation schedule. Luckily, for the sake of the children, these kids usually are adjusting to the situation and many cases its ok.
4) The Active Non Custodial ( NC) Parent - They do exist, and I tend to believe, that if you are reading this blog, you aren't doing so because you have this kind of relationship with your ex. Your NC Parent most likely falls into one of the above categories. This is the parent that works well with you, and genuinely feels that regardless of the relationship you have with that parent, the children come first. They are out there!
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